On the other side are people who want to give kids condoms because “things happen.” In between are a whole bunch of confused kids and adults who are in relationships that feel very much like love and want to do the right thing for the relationship, but who have no idea what that is. What no one tells them is the practical importance of being friends first.

Many of us know the heady feelings that falling in love brings. Those who don’t, eagerly anticipate the feelings that falling in love promises—so much so that their goal is to skip right over to the love part without ever considering the being friends part.

When God laid down the adultery commandment, He wasn’t just referring to being faithful to another person. He was also referring to the importance of being faithful the quest to become our highest selves. Christ’s second ultimate commandment presupposes this: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” To truly love another, we must first love ourselves, and to truly love ourselves, we must be willing to forego some short-term pleasure in order to obtain true and lasting happiness. This is the very idea of Heaven—a reward in the next life for staying out Satan’s traps in this one.

One of Satan’s biggest traps is the idea of how we view sex outside of marriage. Why? Because it inherently links “love” to the act of breaking us down on our most sacred level. It gives the impression that sex can be casual, meaningless, when the reality is that sex is the ultimate expression of who we truly are.

Marianne Williamson in “A Return to Love” says it succinctly: “Anything that is not love, is fear.” With a person who holds a knife to someone’s throat, this admonishment is very clear. The person with the knife is obviously not acting out of love—they are acting out of fear, insecurity, and anger. The reality is: if this person knew a better way to get what he wanted, he would choose that option. However, because he doesn’t, he chooses the knife. He chooses to act out of fear.

As clear as this seems, we fail to see the “love” in a relationship as that same knife held at our throats. After all, “Love is of God.” So how can it be used as a means to hurt us—to drag us further away from Him? How? Because Satan takes fear and calls it love, and because we are so focused on short-term pleasure, we believe him.

Take for example the young couple newly in the throes of love. When they look into each other’s eyes, they just know this is going to be for forever. It feels so good and very often so safe, and what they want to do at all costs is to hold that person and by extension that feeling. That’s when Satan smiles and taps one or the other on the shoulder. “You know, if you really love someone, the way to prove that is to sleep with them.”

"They call this love and then proceed to base a relationship on it when the "it" is really fear."

Look around. This message is everywhere—billboards, magazines, television, movies, even in our own friends and family. It does seem that “everybody’s doing it.” So, to prove his manhood and because he’s been taught to equate sex with love, the young man looks at his girlfriend, takes her in his arms, kisses her passionately… Suddenly she freezes, and he backs away in confusion. “What? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know about this,” she responds.

Hurt and confused he backs further away emotionally and physically. “Why not? You love me, right?”

Of course, this scenario could be played out in reverse roles just as easily, but no matter how it’s configured, the message remains the same: “If you truly love me, prove it.” The next step, which can happen over minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months or years is this: She begins to think, “You know, he’s right. He is. I love him. I know I love him, and I don’t want to lose him. So what am I waiting for? Besides he says he loves me, and I know we’re going to be together forever, so why am I being such a little kid about this?”

Let’s stop for a minute and examine the situation to this point. We’ve got a guy who feels he has to prove something to someone—his buddies, his girlfriend, himself. And we’ve got a girl who is rationalizing herself into a bad decision because she’s afraid of losing him (and by extension, love). He is acting out of fear. She is acting out of fear. They call this love and then proceed to base a relationship on it when the “it” is really fear.

Down the road let’s say this couple “makes it” and gets married. Anyone who’s married will tell you that’s not the end of the story—it’s just the beginning. Enter into the picture kids, a house, bills, jobs, in-laws… The couple no longer looks like they are hopelessly in love. Other responsibilities intrude making sex infrequent and not nearly like it used to be.

Suddenly he’s not home as much as he used to be, and she’s working later than she used to. This is where the Bible verse: “As you sow, so shall you reap” begins to play out. He may very well be faithful, but she begins to think, “I know I don’t look like I did when I was 17, 21, 19. I saw the way he looked at that girl at the company party the other night. I’ve seen that look before. I know what it means. And have you noticed, he has been late a couple nights this week? He said he was stuck in traffic, but…” What she’s really saying is, “I’m afraid he doesn’t love me anymore, and why would he? If our love is based on sex, and sex doesn’t happen as often now, maybe he is looking other places to find the love we used to have.

Can you hear those fears? They didn’t just suddenly decide to show up—they’ve been masquerading as love for years now just waiting for their chance.

For his part, the guy notices every time she’s too busy, too tired, too focused on other things to have sex with him. Maybe he does look around his office, but even if he doesn’t, he’s thinking: “She doesn’t love me as much as she used to. If she did, why does she keep rejecting me? She never did before…” Again, fear—not love—talking.

How does a couple avoid this trap from the beginning? “Just say, ‘No.’” Right? Or maybe, “It’s worth the wait.” Or maybe, “If you have sex before marriage, you’re going to go to hell.” All of these are well and good if they keep a young couple out of the trap except for one thing—they don’t fill the vacuum that not having sex seems to create in a relationship. After all, if you’re not having sex, what other options are out there?

Filling that void will be the subject of “Friends First Part II.”

 

Other Articles by Staci Stallings

Motivation Station Are You Rich? Friends First (Part 2) Internalizing External Walls of Innovation Just a Typical Teenage Boy My Mentors Short Thoughts on Dreams The Four Most Romantic Gestures The Importance of Balance The Things I Took for Granted They Are So Lucky What is Success? Heaven Bound Writer's Bloc